My belly began to swell past my extra small tank top. My time for decisions and contemplation was running out. Planned Parenthood also wanted me to make a decision as they sent a personally addressed letter to my home. My father comes home, loosens his tie, and like clockwork reads the mail. The secret is out. I’m pregnant at 16. The remainder of the evening was spent with tears, some yelling, and more tears. I eventually cried myself to sleep, waking up to a red nose and puffy eyes. I tip-toed out of my room, praying that it was all a dream. “Jesus, I have sinned…but save me one more time!” I exclaimed under my breath. As I got near the top of the stairs, I smelled bacon. I swallowed and prayed again, then headed downstairs to get some more yelling, tears, and “what the hells” from my father. My father, however, had cooked an early morning breakfast and displayed it beautifully on the dining room table, complete with orange juice and an extra helping of grits. “You have to eat better in the mornings with the baby Gabrielle, it’s the only way you’ll both remain healthy,” my father said sternly. It was then that I knew I would be okay. We would be okay.
Needless to say, I idolize my father. I look for a husband with his virtues.
High principles and ethics for himself and those around him.
Concrete morals with a profound understanding of life.
Very leveled, yet compassionate.
Extremely stern, yet easy.
By black, I actually mean the color. A nice, handsome dark-skinned man is what I want.
While this sounds like an amazing man and almost expected, I am unable to find one that measures up to my father. In all seriousness, after a failed marriage, hilarious attempts at dating, and personal growth, I’ve come to an understanding that it’s completely unfair of me to place those expectations on men. No one is going to measure up to the idolized view I have of my amazing father.
This is a lesson that pushes past our significant others. This lesson is for all relationships. We can’t assume others will satisfy the shoes of others. It’s an unfair expectation. One that leads to disappointment, distress, (divorce), and the inability to see that person for themselves. With this inability, we’re unable to be grateful. We evade the opportunity to treasure the individuality of us as people. We miss opportunities to be thankful and cherish each other in our entirety.
Our expectations should be derived specifically from a particular person’s ability. Yes, I’m a Queen so my expectations are high, but you can’t be my father. You can be you and now in return, my expectations are high for you. Not a high for my father, not a high for myself, but a high for you. We can accurately manage the expectations of others by adhering to the below practices.
Tell people what you need. A male acquaintance recently reminded me that “men can’t read my mind”. I personally think it’s ridiculous that they can’t, however, it’s true. We as people do not have the ability to read minds. If you need something and/or if something has not met your expectation…speak your mind Queen. After conversing, you may find your expectation was unachievable. You could also find that it’s easily achievable now that there’s a clear understanding.
Learn to dissociate previously experienced disappointment. Whew! It’s ok to be mindful, cautious, and apprehensive. We are expected to learn from life and past experiences. What we should do and who we should not screw! The lesson goes forward - not the pain, not the disappointment. Work for fresh opportunities, new relationships, and new experiences.
Take time to determine what it is that you want. It’s crazy that we as humans can place expectations on others and not actually have a grasp of what we want. Take the time to determine what you need in a friend, partner, husband, etc. Are you receiving those things and still unhappy? Maybe we have to focus on self. Are you not receiving those things and unhappy? Maybe we never verbalized the expectation. This leaves our companions pulling at strings and possibly the wrong strings!
Be independent. Yes, sometimes we have to save ourselves as adults. We are capable of handling our own daily disappointments. We are capable of making a decision alone. It’s scary, I know. It means you can only blame yourself and that’s terrifying. Hold yourself accountable and stop expecting everyone to not only save their own day but yours as well.
Reciprocity. Are we always meeting the expectations of others? Yikes, no way! We have let someone down along the way as well, as we are not perfect. Neither are our companions. We have to ensure we treat people the way we want to be treated. This includes the expectations we place on each other.
“Some of us are guilty of expecting our mates to live up to the inspiring example of our mother or father. When our partner fails to do so, we feel let down. A few of those relationships may work, but we are forced to acknowledge that no one can fill the shoes of another. It’s unfair to expect a romantic partner to assume a parental role or compete with our idealized image of Mom or Dad. The needy child may linger in us, but we need to find other ways to assuage our pain.” Eric V. Copage
Boss Mom Gabby 💋
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