Insomnia at 3 AM

COVID-19’s attack on personal structure

Photo by Megan te Boekhorst on Unsplash

Can we talk about how COVID-19 has taken every ounce of a sleep pattern I had? I get in bed at the same time around 11:30, and that’s an hour later than usual. I then proceed to stay up as my brain thinks about everything from do we need more almond milk to I need to make sure I scheduled that meeting with my boss for Tuesday.

I can’t sleep.

I blink, and now it’s after midnight as I try to stop tossing and turning, so I don’t wake my son. He’s been having night terrors, so co-sleeping with a two-year-old has been my life.

Even he can’t sleep.

It’s now 2:00 am, and my eyes are getting heavy, which is good since I get up at 8:00 am to be at my desk (aka my dining room table) by 8:30 am. I work from home. I currently have no concept of when work ends because my family catches me doing things at 9:00 pm. When my eight-year-old saw me sitting at my “desk” on a Sunday, she said,

“Uh-oh, Mommy’s at work again.”

I feel like crap and tell her lies about how I’m only sending one email. That turns into 20 minutes of prepping myself for the week. COVID-19 took away structure for my household, so the days bleed into each other, and all of a sudden, it’s the end of the week. I try to be productive on the weekends but find myself napping at odd hours in the day. My headaches have increased. I forget to eat lunch during the day because I’ve stacked my meetings on top of each other, so that leaves no room to breathe.

I order groceries via Instacart, so I don’t have to leave. I tip extra because I realize the dangers those that are essential are taking with every delivery they make. Can’t complain, right? Because I get to work from home, but honestly, a mental health day is what I need. I’m thankful and grateful for every day my family wakes up safely, and appreciate the fact that we have the income to do so even if it’s only mine. So I work hard so we don’t have to worry about where food will come from, or if bubble guppies will come on the TV.

I really wish I could turn my brain off to sleep, though.

The anniversary of my nana’s death is in a few days, and I know that is weighing heavy on me. I know my mother will be a wreck, so I try to keep her mind occupied and off of it. I start grad school next month, and I wonder what my life will look like. Will we still be home? Will we be back at work? Will it be safe? Will we recover? Racing thoughts at what is now 3:00 am. Five hours left before I get up again. Insomnia is kicking my ass, but I try my best to remember that every day is different. None are the same. So I turn my phone off, count sheep, and get ready to do this all over again. Still grateful and thankful for things people around me and wishing they too can have a peaceful sleep.

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